Crybaby.
First, let me warn you. This is not going to be a happy blog. This is going to be sad, most likely. I'm going to cover some rather depressing topics, but it's stuff that needs to be said. So let's start with the photo:
So, as usual Pout! makeup, because I'm 100% biased and I don't care. Leela's stuff is fantstic. Her eyeshadow and her eyelashes, same as the last 3
The hair. The hair I love. Normally I'm not a baseball cap person, but on Sera they kinda work pretty good, oddly enough. Usually I buy for the hair and alpha the hat out but
A) Not sure you can on this hair, and
B) Why would you want to? The hat is awesome, and it has a few different options for hat wording. I chose Crybaby because, well, reasons I'll touch on later.
This hair is from EscalateD who has become my favorite hair store (I'm sorry Firelight, I still love you!) because a lot of her hair is two-toned, half and half, and it's really cool. While her hairs lack the style hud that's getting more and more popular, I'm gonna be honest. That hair is more laggy than the hair that doesn't have a hud, and makes your complexity way higher because of the additional hair options. I prefer not having a style hud. But that's just me.
Oh, the hair is called Chelsea, and I got the Essentials pack! It's at her store, go in to the left of the desk and head to the back, as of 2/13/2019 it was on the wall in the back, can't miss it!
http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Chrysanthemum%20Island/172/37/21
Ok so, first off:
Yeah. Suicide. Depression. Happy me. Except I'm not. I haven't been happy in a couple months, but I hide it well. "Fake it til you make it" is sorta my motto lately. People keep telling me "It's ok, there's no reason to be depressed!" Yeah. Ok. Sure. I quit telling people because of this. My friend,Voltiel, sent me a song called " 'The Forest" that talks about Aokigahara Forest. AKA Suicide Forest, as well as depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. The song really hit home. Some of the lyrics, hell the whole song just really is so accurate with me right now.
I don't know how to describe things really. My life is a roller coaster of highs and lows, the highs are fantastic. Getting out of a toxic situation, becoming independent again, finding love and thinking nothing in life could be better. To being low. Really low. Having all that happiness just yanked away one by one. Falling back into a bad situation. Losing all independence, losing the one I loved, and just when you think you're down as low as you can go, more shit happens, and you just sink lower in life.
I'm depressed. Possibly severe, but I can't go see a doctor because oh dear god I had to pay a utility bill and because I couldn't prove it they took my insurance. I fought with the landlord for months to get it, did the state care? Not one fucking bit. (Hey, Wisconsin, FUCK YOU). So now I'm left alone to fight with this on my own. No help, nothing. All because my former landlord was a bitch.
Once in my life, I would have thought "Hey lets just end it all, I'd be better off, everyone would be better off without me, it's not worth it anymore." But I learned I can't. No one will believe me but, I think it's time I told my story.
Many years ago in high school, I'm not going to go into details but, I was the sole survivor in a horrible car wreck. How and why, I have no idea. I don't even remember what happened. I just remember the screams, and then silence. Eventually I made it back to school, a month? Maybe 2? later. I was bullied, threatened, told it was all my fault, told I shouldn't be alive. Told I should just kill myself. Told to just die already. So, I thought ok, they're right. I should just die. I shouldn't be here. My parents would ask me every day how school was. I would smile and say "Oh it was great! I'm so glad to be back with my friends!" and go to my room and sob. I think my mom knew something was up, but never said anything. So I planned. I knew they'd be gone for a few days coming up soon, and that's when I'd do it. I'd hang myself in the barn and no one would know. It was a big dairy barn and there was a rope I used to swing on upstairs. I think most kids had that in their barns, idk. Anyways. So I took it, big heavy rope, and undid the knots and made it into a makeshift noose. I jumped off the beam...and the rope snapped. Big heavy rope that I had swung countless times on, jerked it around, we even at one point for the laughs tied a hay bale to it and swung on it, 3 of us. There was no way it should have broken. no way in hell. So as I'm laying there in pain from slamming hard on my back trying to get up, I heard footsteps. Now that house and barn were haunted as hell, so I'm just like "Great, just what I need, one of these fuckers to come bother me now..."
But it was a cop? Or a guy that looked like a cop. He was in an odd uniform. Something seemed off about him, I couldn't put my finger on it. It was odd. Just, something wasn't right. But he came up, and I was like "Why are you here?" He said one of my friends were concerned and called the police to check on me. I didn't think anything of it, a lot of people I think were onto my fake front. He walked in and sat on a hay bale (The upper level of the barn was where we stored all the hay for the horses) and started talking to me. We had a fairly lengthy discussion about suicide and why life was worth living. Eventually I got up and he did too, and he was like "I hope I don't see you again. Not like this." The odd thing was he made no physical contact with me at all, which I thought was strange. Failed attempt #1
Failed attempt #2. I don't want to go into this one, this one is too personal. But I saw him. The same guy, same uniform, again. At my house. It made no sense at all. But there he was, again. I remember his first words.
"Try as much as you want it's not going to work. You're here for a reason."
After another conversation, he walked off, again. I looked down for a moment to collect myself, and looked up and the guy was gone. Ok this was getting weird. Failed attempt #2
Failed attempt #3. This is where shit gets weird. I know a lot will say "I don't believe you" but hey, whatever. Go fuck yourself.
So #3 was...interesting. I again am not going into details. They're irrelevant really. This time I took my dads old 6 shooter revolver. He had a collection of some old guns, and that was a sure fire way to end it. I loaded it with the bullets, and yes he kept it in a safe, but I'm clever and I knew how to get into it. Took a lot of attempts over the years (The initial attempts were just "oh there's something locked, I want in it!"), and I finally cracked it. So I took the gun out, and I loaded it, and I went out to where my favorite tree once stood that was cut down due to a lightning strike a few months before. I was ready this time. I left a note, and told my best friend goodbye. I sat down sobbing, and had thought it all out. I stripped naked, put the outfit in a bag next to me and set it down, it was what i wanted to be buried in. I sat down and....
A cop pulls up. I was like what the fuck, but I was going to do it anyways. The cop gets out....
Same
Fucking
Dude.
Same. Dude. What? So by this time I was like what in the actual fuck? But I was committed. I was going to do it regardless. But he walked up and he said "It's not going to work. I told you." I shrugged, put it in my mouth, pulled the trigger and...
*Click.* Nothing. Ok defective bullet? I pulled it 5 more times. Those keeping track, this puts me back at bullet #1. The guy said something along the lines of "It's not worth it. It wont work." and I'm like what the fuck is wrong with this gun?? I fired it into the air. *BANG*. I was shocked. How the fuck? So I put it back again, and pulled it, and *click click click* nothing. Nothing at all. I just lost it. Totally fucking lost it, fell on the ground, sobbing, and to make matters worse I remember it started raining, an ice cold rain. I remember again zero physical contact. He simply walked over and sat next to me, and I remember the strangest thing was he didn't seem like was getting wet? But I passed it off as delusional or whatever. I didn't think anything of it. Eventually we chatted, again, and I remember him saying "When you really need it, I'll be here, I promise. I'll always find you."
I never believed in ghosts, until I saw one
I never believed in demons, until I got attacked
I never believed in UFO's, until I saw one with my own eyes.
I never believed in guardian angels. Until I found one. That's the only way I can explain it.
Yeah go ahead say I'm crazy, I don't care, honestly. Yesterday, I was at an all time low again. Something I haven't felt in years and years. I went out to my car to load the last of my things to move out of where I was, the place I thought would be a refuge, a sanctuary, but turned into another hell. I remember thinking "About 10 years ago I would be dead by now, or trying..."
I saw him, again. My lowest low, and he showed up. This time instead of being a sobbing mess, I instead felt an intense calm, because I knew it was going to be ok this time. He simply said "You'll get through this." and I said "I know." and he was gone.
I don't know if he's a defense mechanism in my head, an actual angel or what...but, it's been a wild ride. I don't know. I really don't. It's strange. I haven't said anything because I feel no one will believe me, but I don't care.I really don't care what others think anymore. Too long I have. But that song, The Forest, made me think how bad life must be. Most people going into the Aokigahara Forest go in with no intention to come out. The story is they tie ribbons so they know how to get out. If you find one on the ground, or in a circle, they didn't come out.
My ribbon has been in a circle for a long time. But now... now I feel it's becoming straight again.
"Have you tried just cheering up?" Wow, I haven't thought of that! "Do you value your life?" Yes, but my heart has collapsed
Listen to the song
Read the lyrics
They're powerful....
Thanks Voltiel. I really needed something like this to kick my ass into gear today.
The hair. The hair I love. Normally I'm not a baseball cap person, but on Sera they kinda work pretty good, oddly enough. Usually I buy for the hair and alpha the hat out but
A) Not sure you can on this hair, and
B) Why would you want to? The hat is awesome, and it has a few different options for hat wording. I chose Crybaby because, well, reasons I'll touch on later.
This hair is from EscalateD who has become my favorite hair store (I'm sorry Firelight, I still love you!) because a lot of her hair is two-toned, half and half, and it's really cool. While her hairs lack the style hud that's getting more and more popular, I'm gonna be honest. That hair is more laggy than the hair that doesn't have a hud, and makes your complexity way higher because of the additional hair options. I prefer not having a style hud. But that's just me.
Oh, the hair is called Chelsea, and I got the Essentials pack! It's at her store, go in to the left of the desk and head to the back, as of 2/13/2019 it was on the wall in the back, can't miss it!
http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Chrysanthemum%20Island/172/37/21
Ok so, first off:
This post is going to talk about suicide and depression. Be warned.
I don't know how to describe things really. My life is a roller coaster of highs and lows, the highs are fantastic. Getting out of a toxic situation, becoming independent again, finding love and thinking nothing in life could be better. To being low. Really low. Having all that happiness just yanked away one by one. Falling back into a bad situation. Losing all independence, losing the one I loved, and just when you think you're down as low as you can go, more shit happens, and you just sink lower in life.
I'm depressed. Possibly severe, but I can't go see a doctor because oh dear god I had to pay a utility bill and because I couldn't prove it they took my insurance. I fought with the landlord for months to get it, did the state care? Not one fucking bit. (Hey, Wisconsin, FUCK YOU). So now I'm left alone to fight with this on my own. No help, nothing. All because my former landlord was a bitch.
Once in my life, I would have thought "Hey lets just end it all, I'd be better off, everyone would be better off without me, it's not worth it anymore." But I learned I can't. No one will believe me but, I think it's time I told my story.
Many years ago in high school, I'm not going to go into details but, I was the sole survivor in a horrible car wreck. How and why, I have no idea. I don't even remember what happened. I just remember the screams, and then silence. Eventually I made it back to school, a month? Maybe 2? later. I was bullied, threatened, told it was all my fault, told I shouldn't be alive. Told I should just kill myself. Told to just die already. So, I thought ok, they're right. I should just die. I shouldn't be here. My parents would ask me every day how school was. I would smile and say "Oh it was great! I'm so glad to be back with my friends!" and go to my room and sob. I think my mom knew something was up, but never said anything. So I planned. I knew they'd be gone for a few days coming up soon, and that's when I'd do it. I'd hang myself in the barn and no one would know. It was a big dairy barn and there was a rope I used to swing on upstairs. I think most kids had that in their barns, idk. Anyways. So I took it, big heavy rope, and undid the knots and made it into a makeshift noose. I jumped off the beam...and the rope snapped. Big heavy rope that I had swung countless times on, jerked it around, we even at one point for the laughs tied a hay bale to it and swung on it, 3 of us. There was no way it should have broken. no way in hell. So as I'm laying there in pain from slamming hard on my back trying to get up, I heard footsteps. Now that house and barn were haunted as hell, so I'm just like "Great, just what I need, one of these fuckers to come bother me now..."
But it was a cop? Or a guy that looked like a cop. He was in an odd uniform. Something seemed off about him, I couldn't put my finger on it. It was odd. Just, something wasn't right. But he came up, and I was like "Why are you here?" He said one of my friends were concerned and called the police to check on me. I didn't think anything of it, a lot of people I think were onto my fake front. He walked in and sat on a hay bale (The upper level of the barn was where we stored all the hay for the horses) and started talking to me. We had a fairly lengthy discussion about suicide and why life was worth living. Eventually I got up and he did too, and he was like "I hope I don't see you again. Not like this." The odd thing was he made no physical contact with me at all, which I thought was strange. Failed attempt #1
Failed attempt #2. I don't want to go into this one, this one is too personal. But I saw him. The same guy, same uniform, again. At my house. It made no sense at all. But there he was, again. I remember his first words.
"Try as much as you want it's not going to work. You're here for a reason."
After another conversation, he walked off, again. I looked down for a moment to collect myself, and looked up and the guy was gone. Ok this was getting weird. Failed attempt #2
Failed attempt #3. This is where shit gets weird. I know a lot will say "I don't believe you" but hey, whatever. Go fuck yourself.
So #3 was...interesting. I again am not going into details. They're irrelevant really. This time I took my dads old 6 shooter revolver. He had a collection of some old guns, and that was a sure fire way to end it. I loaded it with the bullets, and yes he kept it in a safe, but I'm clever and I knew how to get into it. Took a lot of attempts over the years (The initial attempts were just "oh there's something locked, I want in it!"), and I finally cracked it. So I took the gun out, and I loaded it, and I went out to where my favorite tree once stood that was cut down due to a lightning strike a few months before. I was ready this time. I left a note, and told my best friend goodbye. I sat down sobbing, and had thought it all out. I stripped naked, put the outfit in a bag next to me and set it down, it was what i wanted to be buried in. I sat down and....
A cop pulls up. I was like what the fuck, but I was going to do it anyways. The cop gets out....
Same
Fucking
Dude.
Same. Dude. What? So by this time I was like what in the actual fuck? But I was committed. I was going to do it regardless. But he walked up and he said "It's not going to work. I told you." I shrugged, put it in my mouth, pulled the trigger and...
*Click.* Nothing. Ok defective bullet? I pulled it 5 more times. Those keeping track, this puts me back at bullet #1. The guy said something along the lines of "It's not worth it. It wont work." and I'm like what the fuck is wrong with this gun?? I fired it into the air. *BANG*. I was shocked. How the fuck? So I put it back again, and pulled it, and *click click click* nothing. Nothing at all. I just lost it. Totally fucking lost it, fell on the ground, sobbing, and to make matters worse I remember it started raining, an ice cold rain. I remember again zero physical contact. He simply walked over and sat next to me, and I remember the strangest thing was he didn't seem like was getting wet? But I passed it off as delusional or whatever. I didn't think anything of it. Eventually we chatted, again, and I remember him saying "When you really need it, I'll be here, I promise. I'll always find you."
I never believed in ghosts, until I saw one
I never believed in demons, until I got attacked
I never believed in UFO's, until I saw one with my own eyes.
I never believed in guardian angels. Until I found one. That's the only way I can explain it.
Yeah go ahead say I'm crazy, I don't care, honestly. Yesterday, I was at an all time low again. Something I haven't felt in years and years. I went out to my car to load the last of my things to move out of where I was, the place I thought would be a refuge, a sanctuary, but turned into another hell. I remember thinking "About 10 years ago I would be dead by now, or trying..."
I saw him, again. My lowest low, and he showed up. This time instead of being a sobbing mess, I instead felt an intense calm, because I knew it was going to be ok this time. He simply said "You'll get through this." and I said "I know." and he was gone.
I don't know if he's a defense mechanism in my head, an actual angel or what...but, it's been a wild ride. I don't know. I really don't. It's strange. I haven't said anything because I feel no one will believe me, but I don't care.I really don't care what others think anymore. Too long I have. But that song, The Forest, made me think how bad life must be. Most people going into the Aokigahara Forest go in with no intention to come out. The story is they tie ribbons so they know how to get out. If you find one on the ground, or in a circle, they didn't come out.
My ribbon has been in a circle for a long time. But now... now I feel it's becoming straight again.
"Have you tried just cheering up?" Wow, I haven't thought of that! "Do you value your life?" Yes, but my heart has collapsed
Listen to the song
Read the lyrics
They're powerful....
Thanks Voltiel. I really needed something like this to kick my ass into gear today.
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